Confessions of an Adoptive Mom

from a Biblical worldview

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  • Sep25Mon

    The Inevitable Questions

    September 25, 2017

    Psalm 8:4 – What is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?

    Children are full of questions from the moment they can utter sound. From the pointed grunts to the full sentences, the inquisitive minds of the young never cease to quiet. Why is the sky blue? When is dinner? Can I have a snack? Are we there yet?? The questioning seems to go on and on.

    For the adoptive parent, we get to look forward to some pretty emotionally trying questioning from our little ones. Where did I come from? Who do I look like? Why did my birth-mom not want me? These questions are daunting to think about and heart-wrenching to answer. For years, I have prepared myself for the inevitable – those questions that would create a new reality between myself and my adopted child. We have always kept our daughter’s adoption in the light. Her adoption story is part of her life story and she knows it well. Her adoption story may not be unique, but it is a story of a miracle God so graciously performed for us.

    As miraculous as her adoption story is, and as much as she knows it in her mind, that hasn’t stopped her from asking questions. I am certain that those questions were prompted by inquiries from kids on the playground at school or even at church. When our daughter was six, she asked me why her birth-mom didn’t want her. It was such a randomly timed question that I will never forget where we were or what we were doing at the time. She was sitting quietly in the back seat of the car while I was driving her to school. We were driving past a cemetery where some of my relatives are temporarily resting, when she popped the question. And, it took my breath away.

    Thankfully, I recovered quickly and assured my daughter that her not being with her birth-mom had nothing to do with her not being wanted. In fact, I look at the gift of giving up a child to be raised by strangers as a complete sacrifice and act of love. Our daughter’s birth-mom sacrificed the future she could have had with this little girl and loved her enough to allow her to be placed in our home to be raised by us. It is a gift that I can never truly express enough thanks for. Without this selfless woman, I would not be a mother.

    Our daughter received my response quickly and easily and didn’t ask about it again. That is not to say that I will not encounter further questions as she ages and gets assigned the inevitable genetics/pedigree project that I can recall from my own school years. I am so very thankful that we are connected with our daughter’s birth family and can reach out to them at any time. I know that our situation is a very blessed one and not necessarily like others who have adopted.

    Psalm 139:13-14 –For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

    As an adoptive mom, upon hearing my child questioning her identity, it is easy to slip into the mindset of being defensive. Why is my child asking about her origins? Are we not enough for her now? Is our family unit not supportive enough that she is seeking support elsewhere? Many questions of lingering insecurity seem to pop up out of nowhere, bringing about doubts that never before existed. But, take heart fellow adoptive parents! Our children may question their origins, but we know exactly where they have come from. They were created perfectly by our amazing Creator. He knows every inch of their being – both physical and spiritual. He knows exactly how they came to be – whether a positive beginning or not. He planned their existence even if their birthparents did not. He knew that each of our adoptive children would be placed in our homes to grow our families. Adoption is an amazing representation of God’s perfect will and perfect timing.

    I acknowledge that as time passes, the questions that arise in regard to our daughter’s adoption will become more in depth and not as easy to answer. I am confident that there will come a time that our answers will simply not be enough to satiate her desire for knowledge. I pray that at that time, she will know that she has a birth family that loves her, an adoptive family that loves her, and most importantly, a Heavenly Father that loves her and knows every detail of her life. May that be enough for her. May this love sustain her through her times of questioning and doubting and searching for meaning.

    Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

    Like an adoptive child, we have all questioned at one time or another who we are and why we’re here. We have all questioned what our purpose in life is to be. None of us desires to live out our days only to stand before the Lord and say that we did nothing of value. We all want our lives to have meaning and purpose. Let’s not waste the days that God has given to us. Let’s push forward in making known His greatness to the future generations – particularly the ones He has placed in our homes. And when those inevitable questions arise, may our children hear the words of their Saviour speak to their hearts that they are His and He is theirs.