Psalm 8:4 – What is mankind that you are mindful of them, human beings that you care for them?

Children are full of questions from the moment they can utter sound. From the pointed grunts to the full sentences, the inquisitive minds of the young never cease to quiet. Why is the sky blue? When is dinner? Can I have a snack? Are we there yet?? The questioning seems to go on and on.

For the adoptive parent, we get to look forward to some pretty emotionally trying questioning from our little ones. Where did I come from? Who do I look like? Why did my birth-mom not want me? These questions are daunting to think about and heart-wrenching to answer. For years, I have prepared myself for the inevitable – those questions that would create a new reality between myself and my adopted child. We have always kept our daughter’s adoption in the light. Her adoption story is part of her life story and she knows it well. Her adoption story may not be unique, but it is a story of a miracle God so graciously performed for us.

As miraculous as her adoption story is, and as much as she knows it in her mind, that hasn’t stopped her from asking questions. I am certain that those questions were prompted by inquiries from kids on the playground at school or even at church. When our daughter was six, she asked me why her birth-mom didn’t want her. It was such a randomly timed question that I will never forget where we were or what we were doing at the time. She was sitting quietly in the back seat of the car while I was driving her to school. We were driving past a cemetery where some of my relatives are temporarily resting, when she popped the question. And, it took my breath away.

Thankfully, I recovered quickly and assured my daughter that her not being with her birth-mom had nothing to do with her not being wanted. In fact, I look at the gift of giving up a child to be raised by strangers as a complete sacrifice and act of love. Our daughter’s birth-mom sacrificed the future she could have had with this little girl and loved her enough to allow her to be placed in our home to be raised by us. It is a gift that I can never truly express enough thanks for. Without this selfless woman, I would not be a mother.

Our daughter received my response quickly and easily and didn’t ask about it again. That is not to say that I will not encounter further questions as she ages and gets assigned the inevitable genetics/pedigree project that I can recall from my own school years. I am so very thankful that we are connected with our daughter’s birth family and can reach out to them at any time. I know that our situation is a very blessed one and not necessarily like others who have adopted.

Psalm 139:13-14 –For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

As an adoptive mom, upon hearing my child questioning her identity, it is easy to slip into the mindset of being defensive. Why is my child asking about her origins? Are we not enough for her now? Is our family unit not supportive enough that she is seeking support elsewhere? Many questions of lingering insecurity seem to pop up out of nowhere, bringing about doubts that never before existed. But, take heart fellow adoptive parents! Our children may question their origins, but we know exactly where they have come from. They were created perfectly by our amazing Creator. He knows every inch of their being – both physical and spiritual. He knows exactly how they came to be – whether a positive beginning or not. He planned their existence even if their birthparents did not. He knew that each of our adoptive children would be placed in our homes to grow our families. Adoption is an amazing representation of God’s perfect will and perfect timing.

I acknowledge that as time passes, the questions that arise in regard to our daughter’s adoption will become more in depth and not as easy to answer. I am confident that there will come a time that our answers will simply not be enough to satiate her desire for knowledge. I pray that at that time, she will know that she has a birth family that loves her, an adoptive family that loves her, and most importantly, a Heavenly Father that loves her and knows every detail of her life. May that be enough for her. May this love sustain her through her times of questioning and doubting and searching for meaning.

Romans 8:28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Like an adoptive child, we have all questioned at one time or another who we are and why we’re here. We have all questioned what our purpose in life is to be. None of us desires to live out our days only to stand before the Lord and say that we did nothing of value. We all want our lives to have meaning and purpose. Let’s not waste the days that God has given to us. Let’s push forward in making known His greatness to the future generations – particularly the ones He has placed in our homes. And when those inevitable questions arise, may our children hear the words of their Saviour speak to their hearts that they are His and He is theirs.

Proverbs 12:18 - The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.

As an adoptive parent, I have heard so many unintentionally ignorant things. I am sure that, given some extra thought and care, many of the questions that have come off of people’s lips would have been rephrased if given the chance. I understand that not everyone adopts or has a heart to adopt so there will be questions. Don’t get me wrong, I do love the questions. I love sharing our adoption story. Our daughter’s adoption was a perfectly timed miracle in our lives. I have learned so much about God and about people because of it.

And so, I wanted to create somewhat of a public service announcement for those who have not adopted but have family and friends who have adopted or are currently in the process of adopting – particularly those that are adopting because of fertility issues. These are some statements and questions that we were on the receiving end of that I would recommend you re-think before saying them to others. I do not share them to condemn or shame anyone. Please don’t feel badly if you may have said any one of these to us or another adoptive parent. That’s the beauty of grace. My prayer would be that we would make more of an effort to think before we speak (something I need to work on daily!).

1.  “As soon as you adopt, you’ll get pregnant. It happened to so and so…”
   As much as I appreciate the sentiment of encouragement here, this was actually painful to hear. God, in His sovereign will, allowed us to be infertile and guided us to adopt our daughter. This statement, while maybe true for a select few, was not true for us. In actuality, it came off as negating the amazing thing that God was doing in our lives through enabling us to adopt our daughter.
   
   
2. “Do you know your daughter’s real family?”
   Real… as opposed to fake? The last thing I consider myself to be is my daughter’s ‘fake’ mom. My husband is not a ‘fake’ dad. We got up with her in the night throughout her infancy. We changed her diapers and (barely) survived potty training. We drive her to and from school. We make sure she is fed and clothed. There is nothing fake about the day in and day out living that we do with our daughter. A better way to phrase this question would be to call her birth family what they are: birth-mom, biological mom, birth-father, biological father, maternal grandparents, paternal grandparents, etc. Those are welcomed terms.
   
   
3. “Why did your daughter’s birth-mom get rid of her?”
   Firstly, that’s a personal question for a third person who I can only speculate about. Secondly, when talking about a child, the term “get rid of” is a bit harsh. Our daughter’s birth-mom did not terminate her pregnancy. In choosing to give her life and give her to a family that could care for her, she did the furthest thing from getting rid of her child. She gave our daughter a life more full than she was capable of giving at that time in her life. We are so grateful for her!
   
   
4. “If you took oral contraceptives, they probably made you infertile.”
   Three words: GOD IS SOVEREIGN. I fully and firmly believe that there is nothing that I could have done differently to alter the outcome of any difficult circumstance in my life. God chose that I would have to go through infertility even before my body was created in my own mother’s womb. It was not a surprise to Him or an after-thought. And, He has used it for His glory as I have a deeper faith than if I hadn’t suffered at all. I live because He lets me live. He is full of grace and He is fully in control.
   
   
5. “Don’t you worry that your daughter’s biological family will come and take her back?”
   Actually, no. There are laws in place for that. She is legally our child. On the other hand, we have an open adoption. We see our daughter’s biological family a couple of times every year. They are wonderful, caring, gentle-hearted, and giving people. Our daughter enjoys spending time with them and we love that she will always know where she came from and have a connection to her birth family. That is not threatening to us at all. We are blessed to have extra family to love our daughter.
   
   
6.  “You had to adopt? That’s too bad.” 
   It’s too bad that we had a loving home waiting for a child who was in need of a loving home? I don’t think so. Yes, our fertility issues ended in us adopting. We don’t believe our choice was second-rate compared to if we had further pursued treatments. Adopting a child to grow our family is no less of a miracle than if we had conceived one ourselves.
   
   
7. “Aren’t you still going to try to have your own kids?” 
   Our adopted daughter is our own child. Why would we continue on the arduous journey of fertility treatments when God gave us a child through adoption? The physical, mental, emotional and spiritual toll of an infertility journey is overwhelming. I wouldn’t return to that time in my life for anything. This question again targets this preconceived notion that an adopted child is less-than a biological child. We did not settle when we adopted. We followed God’s leading and are continuously blessed because of it.
   
   
8. “How are you going to tell your daughter she’s adopted?” 
   We are actually very open with our daughter about her adoption. It’s something she’s always known about. In today’s day and age, closed adoptions are simply not an option. And, why would I want to hide this miracle from her? The past stigma and shame of adoption needs to be eradicated. I am not ashamed of my choice to adopt and I will never allow my daughter to feel any shame related to her adoption either.
   
   
9. “How much did your child cost?” 
   The journey that lead to adopting my daughter cost me years of anguish, plenty of tears and a near mental breakdown. The actual adoption was the easy part. As a rule of thumb, don’t ask adoptive parents questions you wouldn’t want to field about your own biological children.
   
   
10. “We went through fertility treatments. We must have wanted kids more than you did.” 
    This statement is another painful one as it’s coming from the perspective of someone who also journeyed through infertility and still felt the need to say it. Just because my husband and I decided not to subject ourselves to potential years of fertility treatments for the minimal chance of success, doesn’t mean that our choice to adopt was a lesser choice. We wanted a child. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t have adopted.
    
    
11. “Was it hard to love a child that you’re not blood-related to?” 
    To be honest, I wondered this as well. Would I be able to love anyone enough to live the sacrificial life of a parent? I wasn’t sure. But, I absolutely love our daughter as much as one can love a child. I don’t feel differently about her because my blood isn’t flowing through her veins. I ask this question of God daily: Is it hard to love me? In my humanity, I would assume so. But, God isn’t human and His love is all encompassing. What a wonderful picture adoption gives of a loving God who also adopted us into His family through no effort of our own. Ephesians 1:4-6 says, “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.”
    
    

Here’s one final thought… I don’t want to over simplify all of the above, but what this all comes down to is stated well in Luke 6:31, “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” If you wouldn’t appreciate being asked one of the above questions, simply don’t. But if you do, there is love and forgiveness and grace offered to you by all of us adoptive parents. We absolutely appreciate that you care enough even to ask us about our adoption experience. But, maybe don’t ask any of the above mentioned questions. :)

1 Thessalonians 5:11 – Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Parenting is a difficult yet rewarding venture. There are days when I would prefer to lock myself in a room far away from reality just to be alone with no responsibilities. There are also many other days when I celebrate the pure joy it is to have a daughter in our home. Most days, I feel nearer to the middle of that spectrum.

Suddenly, I was in a race that I didn’t realize I had been entered into and my every move was being judged by others around me.

When motherhood was finally gifted to me, I honestly thought that my social awkwardness would be instantly cured because I was now ‘normal’. No one would have to tiptoe around me wondering if they would say something to hurt my feelings any longer. Having a baby in my arms made me acceptable in social circles. It made conversations easier as there always seemed to be something to talk about with a new baby in the home.

In an amazingly short amount of time, the conversations began to turn to what seemed to be competitions. Suddenly, I was in a race that I didn’t realize I had been entered into and my every move was being judged by others around me. As an adoptive mom, this competition in motherhood has been particularly troublesome to me. To be allowed to adopt a child in the province of Ontario, we had to complete a homestudy and wait to be approved by the government. In our quest to become parents, we were under a lot of judgement and scrutiny from the moment that we inquired about adoption. We were judged as to why we didn’t further pursue fertility treatments. We were judged as to why we took so long to decide to adopt. Our home was thoroughly scrutinized to ensure it would be safe to place a child in. As a perfectionist, I feared we’d never measure up to these standards!

Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am oversensitive about my parenting because I anguished and screamed and prayed and yearned for years until God’s perfect timing came to pass and a child was given to us. I knew that I had certainly lost any race in our circle of friends to have a child first. But, to be given such a precious gift as a child and then to have strangers tell you that you’re doing parenting wrong can be a crushing blow.

When our daughter was placed in my arms and her adoption became official, there was an instantaneous bond that was created. I would do anything for this child that I had waited so long for. I would defend her with my every breath. My inner mama bear was created that day. I simply knew that I had to protect this child with all that was within my power. Having gone through the adoption process, I knew there would be questions from those we encountered. Some that were simply none of their business (being strangers and all) but some that I knew I would have to encounter just because parenting seems to be a corporate effort in modern society.

I can still recall the very first night we had our daughter in our care. From Toronto (where we adopted her), we had a two hour drive to our home. We visited all of our local family and then headed home. It was late but we were surviving on adrenaline! When we went to visit our baby in foster care that day, we didn’t know she would be coming home as our daughter that very night! Her foster family had graciously set her up on an amazing schedule and by four weeks of age, she was accustomed to it very well. I knew that on that drive home she would need to stop for a bottle. Even on that emotionally intense first day and night with our daughter, I was fully prepared for someone to approach us at the rest stop and tell me that I was doing my child a disservice by bottle feeding her. How amazing it is to me that even in those first few hours of motherhood, I was already living defensively! Thankfully, it was past midnight on that first night so the rest stop was quiet and my fears of judgement never came to pass. 

So often I have witnessed mom-shaming over the silliest of things. In the eyes of eternity, does it really matter how I’ve chosen to feed or clothe my child?

As I’ve navigated the waters of motherhood for the better part of the past decade, I’ve come to realize that people want to share advice with you whether you’ve asked for it or not. My mom has always offered advice freely and most of the time it’s very welcome as she has 40+ years of experience being a mom. I’d like to think I turned out pretty well so she knows a thing or two about being a mom! The times when the advice hasn’t been as welcomed, I can let her know how I feel because she’s my mom. The strangers and acquaintances that overstep boundaries to tell me what they feel I’m doing wrong in my parenting are not as welcome.

Psalm 101:5 – Whoever slanders their neighbour in secret, I will put to silence; whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, I will not tolerate.

Adding to the general pressures we put onto ourselves to be the best mothers we can be is social media. Social media has become a part of parenthood where the passive aggressive can post whatever they like in near anonymity. On any given day, I am bombarded with posts of impassioned people claiming their version of parenting is the best version on the planet. And, maybe it doesn’t cross their minds that by posting such bold statements, they are in essence condemning those who hold different views. I’m not sure about you, but I’ve never been convinced of wrong doing by being publically shamed. John 13:35 says, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” The time is now to really start showing our love to one another and extend grace to each other.

Our Heavenly Father calls us to encourage each other and build each other up. So often I have witnessed mom-shaming over the silliest of things. In the eyes of eternity, does it really matter how I’ve chosen to feed or clothe my child? In the eyes of eternity, all that really matters is that I am doing what the Lord has called me to do as a parent and that is to lead and teach my child in the ways of God so that she will come to saving faith in Christ Jesus. All the other things that seem so important to us pale in comparison to the gravity of importance that our children’s eternal destination should hold.

Comparing other kids to your own doesn’t build anyone up.

3 John 1:4 – I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth.

So, fellow moms – adoptive or natural – let’s put an end to the competition. There really is no need for it. Unsolicited advice rarely strengthens a friendship. Comparing other kids to your own doesn’t build anyone up. Instead, let’s focus on showing the love of Christ to each other and our kids. I say this in knowing that I am not immune to the comparison game. I struggle with feeling that I am incompetent and unworthy of motherhood. But, it is a calling God has placed on my life and as He has walked with me through every journey in my life, He will join me in this as well. I pray that we will all look to Him for the strength to be Godly mothers to the children He has entrusted to us.

1 John 4:7 – Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.

James 1:17 – Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

I am an adoptive mom. I love that God chose this role for me. He allowed me to struggle and strive for years while we fought an unsuccessful battle with infertility all because He had this blessing planned for us. Ten years ago this fall, a teeny, tiny baby girl was placed in my arms and an invisible card with my new title – Mom – was issued. After years of it being my sole desire, my dreams had come to fruition and I was finally a mom!

Upon being entrusted with this new human being, I understood my life would change drastically. I was unprepared for so many aspects of motherhood. Like any mother experiences, the dream of motherhood does not exactly mimic the reality of it. Regardless, I knew that our daughter was a planned gift from God and I would try to enjoy every minute of the blessing He sent my way.

Experiencing the wonder of adoption is life altering to say the least. One minute you are half of an infertile couple that the doctors have written off as 99.9% impossible to conceive, and the next minute you are a parent – still infertile, but holding a beautiful, thriving baby girl. For years my identity was defined by my struggle. I was infertile. I was one to be pitied. And then, we were given a child and the world rejoiced with us. I had grieved over my inability to have children for so long that the joy of receiving a child was accompanied with shock. I simply couldn’t believe that anyone would entrust someone so ill prepared for motherhood with another being’s life.

Now, I recognize that every mother feels inadequate at one point in time or another. No one is completely prepared for what lies ahead of them in any aspect of life. I tend to wonder if, for the adoptive mom, this inadequacy is amplified because of the glaring inadequacies felt throughout an infertility journey. I can’t speak of life from any other point of view so I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I believe, at least for myself, that the feelings of inadequacy in regard to motherhood are stronger for an adoptive mom – particularly in the infancy stages of development.

1 Corinthians 12:12 – Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ.

I can still recall attending my first mom group. Engraved on my heart forever will be the mixed emotions I experienced in that setting. I was so excited that I finally was part of the group. I finally would fit in because, after years of waiting, I was like the rest of them – a mom. I was welcomed with open arms and common rejoicing over our gift from God. A few of the women in the group had prayed alongside us as we journeyed to parenthood through adoption so they knew how monumental this outing was for me. As the group settled in for a time of relaxing and fellowship, the conversation that began to flow surrounded all the joys and struggles of these new moms. Unsurprising, these highs and lows focused on post-birth struggles, breastfeeding, losing baby weight, etc. Having adopted, these were not experiences I could identify with. So, as the conversation swirled around me, I felt completely out of place and realized that, even though I was now a mom, I wasn’t like these other moms. The “Mom Card” that I had been ecstatic to receive only days earlier, now seemed like it had been fraudulently earned.

I am absolutely confident that these fellow moms meant no harm to me that day. They were sharing their experiences with like-minded people that would understand. I was the sole anomaly in the room who had a different story to share. In retrospect, I should have made more of an effort to locate other adoptive parents who would better understand my perspective. I continued to attend mom groups during my daughter’s early years mostly because I felt, as an only child, she needed the socialization. In attending these mom groups, I became more sensitive to the differing needs of the women that surround me on a daily basis. We are not all the same. We do not all have the same story. We do not all have the same perspective on the multitude of issues that bombard us as parents. The mom groups I attended had one common denominator – Jesus. I made a point to surround myself with sisters in Christ so that, regardless of our mothering differences, we were one in Him.

Proverbs 22:6 – Start children off the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it.

In the years since the newness of motherhood has faded away, I am more at home with the label of “Mom”. It is a high calling in life – one in which my failures or successes will only be on my shoulders. In this calling, it doesn’t matter if you’re an adoptive mom or a natural mother. We are all responsible for our actions – or inaction – when it comes to parenting the children God has entrusted us with. Our greatest responsibility lies in being an example of Christ in such a way that draws our children to fall in love with our Saviour and to follow Him. All else pales in comparison. We moms need to bond together and encourage each other on in this endeavour.